August 24, 2017
Apparently, Siri thinks I should be back on the market.
About a year and a half ago, my second wife informed me that she and her kids were leaving me and moving out of state. Once I’d moved past the shock into the acceptance of it, I did the things I needed to do to move on, and have been largely successful in doing so. I even set myself this notification for today, a year later, with the intention that I would engage in self care for a full year, heal, get my life figured out, and then let myself start dating again (although, as a friend pointed out, this makes it look like it’s an agenda item I need to cross off before I get to go home for the day.) I naturally conveniently forgot about it about a month later, had a misguided difficult to define [situation?], a few nice dates, but otherwise haven’t been in any kind of serious relationship for this past year. More than anything, I was surprised when this notification came up. It’s already been a year? That went by fast.
A kind friend reminded me that the point wasn’t to just not date. The point was to heal and to recover from the emotional trauma I’d been living in for the previous several years. The person I was a year ago couldn’t handle life. It wasn’t just about my failed marriages or codependency. It wasn’t about my alcoholism, which had started to really ramp up in earnest right about then. It was a spiritual problem, and the only answer to that is a spiritual solution. Abandoning all hope in myself and throwing myself on the mercy of God was the first step, but it’s led me to a far better place than I ever imagined while drinking. I can pretty safely tell you that I’m becoming the best version of me you would have ever met, particularly compared with previous editions, whether I’m in a place where I’m dating or not. I’m just happy being me. Really.
So it’s a strange place to be. I’m grateful for all the heartbreak and mistakes that got me here, despite wishing so many times that I could just erase all of it. I wouldn’t dream of it now, and I’m so blessed to be able to share my story and be of service.