August 6, 2017
Mom has been steadily declining over the last decade from dementia. Most of the time she sits watching whatever is around her or sleeps. Tonight, after talking with my sponsor about how I might do this, I went to visit her at the nursing home and read her a sort of bulletpointed letter regarding the ways I had been resentful, selfish, self-seeking, or had otherwise caused harm to our relationship. It was of course a little bit sad to have that conversation with someone who can’t respond – and who doesn’t understand that the words that are being said are even for her in the first place, let alone what they are at all. I ended by telling her that my main regret, aside from going down this road to begin with, was that it took this long to try to make amends, and that I wished I could have spent coherent time with her as I am now. But sometimes the only real way you make amends is by living them, and I am grateful for every new opportunity to do that.
Thanks for teaching me, over the course of your life, what forgiveness looks like, mom. I wouldn’t have been able to do this if I hadn’t known what your forgiveness would have looked like if you’d been able to show it to me again, but I do know, and I’m thankful.